


all this, and love too, will ruin us

by AStrangeDaze (TerraRising)



Category: Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: Angst?, Canon Compliant, Gen, M/M, all we have in insecurity all around, post-disbandment
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-19
Packaged: 2020-04-06 23:32:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19072921
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TerraRising/pseuds/AStrangeDaze
Summary: Like a fool, he runs. And like a fool he tries to follow.But this isn't the sound of a heart breaking overnight, oh no, it is much more than that, an insidious, crackling thing. He should have known better. He falls anyways.(Really, he shouldn't be so surprised that it hurts.)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Is this angst? Who knows, at this point, I might as well start using my name as it's own warning tag.

 

 

“Thank you for your hard work today,” Seongwoo flashes a tired smile at his manager as he steps across the threshold of his apartment, bowing slightly, “Please go home and rest.”

 

The older man, a newer employee and still cautious after his last assignment ended with having to chase off two fans trying to break into an artist’s apartment, dithers at the door even after he bows back, “Are you sure?”

 

Seongwoo laughs a little despite himself, “Security would have reported any suspicions when we passed by the concierge downstairs if there was anything to be concerned about, and if there is anything I’ll keep my finger on speed dial.”

 

“Alright,” the other man acquiesces, “Did you need anything else though?”

 

“Nothing I can’t take care of myself, thank you. Go home to your daughter, Joowon-ssi, your wife will want help feeding her,” Seongwoo teases and his manager laughs, a happy smile lighting up his tired face.

 

“Maybe that’s why I don’t want to go back,” he jokes, even as he turns to head for the elevator, “I won’t be getting much rest with a newborn crying every few hours!”

 

He’s gone in moments, whistling happily, and Seongwoo shakes his head in amusement before shutting the door firmly behind him and locking it. Food, he should do something about food. Yanking open the door of his fridge, Seongwoo makes a face at the stacks of pre-packed salads staring back at him, thinking longingly of something hot and spicy, like ramyun with egg and cheese and sausages. His stomach gurgles at the thought and he shuts the fridge, turning to walk into his living room where he keeps a stash of his favourite take-out menus, already knowing that his cupboards are disgustingly empty and that he’s due to go grocery shopping tomorrow (alone, so his manager can’t stop him from buying all sorts of unhealthy foods).

 

Seongwoo takes two steps into his living room and then pauses at the sight of the figure seated on his couch. _Maybe I should have kept my finger on speed dial after all,_ he thinks to himself hysterically for a moment. He feels his walls go up, a default expression of nothingness falling over his face as he stares, brain refusing to compute how he should react in this situation.

 

“Hi,” Daniel ekes out, grinning sheepishly from where he was sitting on Seongwoo’s couch, just a little hunched in and unsure of himself.

 

Seongwoo stays silent as Daniel squirms before trying to diffuse the situation with humour as usual, “That surprised to see me?”

 

“What are you doing here,” Seongwoo’s question comes out blunt, deadpan, an accusation more than anything, and a part of him crows triumphantly when he sees Daniel visibly wince at the lack of warmth in his voice.

 

“I, I wanted to see you,” the younger man answers weakly, and Seongwoo snorts, crossing his arms.

 

“Well, you’ve seen me now, haven’t you? You can show yourself out, just like how you so kindly showed yourself in.”

 

“Seongwoo, please,” Daniel gets to his feet now as he continues his pleading act and Seongwoo is careful not to look him in the eye as the younger pulls out his best hang-dog puppy look, “It’s been months, I’m sorry I’ve been absent, but I missed you. Please don’t kick me out.”

 

“Absent? _Absent?_ ” Seongwoo’s temper flares, “That’s one way to put it, Kang Daniel! You go silent for weeks and then leave nothing but a message in our chat group going “Don’t look for me” before changing your fucking number and moving out without another word. No one can find you, no one knows if you’re dead or alive, I have no idea where you are or how you are for months, and you have the gall to stroll back in here, into _my_ apartment without so much as a by your leave as if all is going to be forgiven? Because you were just _absent_ and you _missed me_ , it’s all fine and dandy now, right? You’re the great Kang Daniel, everyone loves you, so we’re all going to forgive you for everything, is that how you expect this to work?”

 

“Seongwoo-ah,” Daniel tries to put his arms around him but Seongwoo shrugs off all his attempts, taking quick steps back, “I’m sorry, really I am. You’re my best friend, I didn’t want you to get caught up in all that legal stuff or, or the media play. I just, I didn’t want to make things hard for you.”

 

“You didn’t want to make things hard for me,” Seongwoo parrots mockingly even as something in his chest goes _cold cold cold_ at the reminder of other things they had talked about, whispered to each other witnessed only by the moon over cans of beer, fingers linked in a parody of a promise, “because I’m your _best friend_.”

 

“W-well, yes,” Daniel stutters, scratching at the back of his nape in a familiarly nervous gesture and Seongwoo refuses to feel any of the nostalgia that nips at his heels, “I hid out at Minhyun’s new place for a few days but he said I should probably let you, um, let everyone know that I’m alive so, uh…”

 

“That’s perfect,” Seongwoo bites out, the words feel like ashes in his mouth, choking out air and sympathy and leaving behind only the roaring flames of rage, “I know you’re alive now, _best friend_ , and you’ve seen me and I’m doing great. So you can see yourself out now and go back to hiding in Minhyun’s apartment, or maybe you can drop in unannounced at Jaehwan’s apartment next? Oh, maybe you’ve seen him already? Maybe Sungwoon then? No? Either way, I’m sure you have other _best friends_ to see to tonight, this is surely just a stop in your series of visits. Go on, get going, don’t let me keep you.”

 

“Seongwoo-ah-”

 

“ _Don’t touch me!_ ” Seongwoo flings Daniel’s hand away, chest heaving.

 

In the back of his mind, Seongwoo feels like he’s suddenly be thrown into the role of the heroine in a prime-time drama, righteously enraged after having been jilted by her lover, and he _hates_ having made the comparison at all. Because they’re not _lovers,_ no, they’re just _best friends_ , and Seongwoo swallows down the bitterness and the bile and everything that he wants to spit up at Daniel’s face because he is not, he is _not_ going to go off the rails and start screaming hysterically no matter how much he wants to.

 

Daniel is standing stock still now, arms still frozen in front of him and Seongwoo struggles for a moment to reign in his temper, to pull himself back together. “Please leave,” he says, voice even with an effort that he will never admit, “I don’t want to see you right now.”

 

“Seongwoo, please.”

 

“I’m going to bed,” he announces, turning on his heel abruptly, not hungry anymore in the least, “You can see yourself out.”

 

He shuts the door to his bedroom behind him firmly, decisively, trying to channel a ruthlessness to harden his heart even as he sinks to the floor, hands fumbling for his phone. It’s silent outside his bedroom beyond the slight squeak of springs when he strains his ears to hear and Seongwoo already knows without having to check that Daniel has stubbornly claimed the couch for himself and is refusing to leave. For a second he wants to call security to have the younger man kicked out, imagines the scandal and the headlines tomorrow, but it’s a short-lived imagined vindictiveness that drains out of him quickly.

 

He picks up his phone and dials one of the few numbers he has memorized by heart instead and it only takes a few moments for the call to connect.

 

“Hello?”

 

“Hwang Minhyun, mind your own fucking business,” he snaps out and then he’s hanging up and chucking his phone across the room and onto his bed.

 

Seongwoo knows that his anger is misdirected, knows that when he comes to his sense he’s going to apologize to Minhyun on bended knee and his friend would understand though he wasn’t going to be impressed. He ignores the three times Minhyun tries calling him back before finally crawling over to the bed when the other man gave up, picking up his phone, and then jerkily dialling another number.

 

“Hello!” the other man answers, slightly out of breath and much too cheerful for the hour and Seongwoo collapses onto his bed and then pulls the blankets around himself as if he could block out the world like this.

 

“Hyung,” he barely gets out that one tremulous word before something in his composure starts cracking, his walls come crumbling down at the sound of Sungwoon’s voice and he’s gasping for air, sobbing into the receiver, unable to answer Sungwoon’s panicked questions about what’s wrong because he’s crying in a way he shouldn’t be.

 

Because this is how someone cries when their heart has been broken and Seongwoo didn’t get his heart broken tonight, no.

 

Seongwoo gave his heart away a long time ago - two years, two months, and some change in days ago.

 

He gave his heart away like the fool that he was to another fool who doesn’t seem to even know that he has it, that’s he’s dropped it, that he’s trampled all over it, and Seongwoo’s heart is _gone, gone, gone_. He doesn’t have it, not anymore, there’s nothing left of it here and the ghost of it hovers around that other fool of a boy, haunting and sad and all the other emotions Seongwoo refuses to feel anymore.

 

But he’s still sobbing into the phone, and he’s still sad, and why does he still have to hurt like this when he doesn’t _have_ a heart anymore anyways?

 

Seongwoo doesn’t know, doesn’t want to know. His head is spinning because he’s crying too hard to breathe properly, great, ugly, gasping sobs that makes his chest ache in a way that has nothing to do with his heart, and Sungwoon’s voice is still frantic in his ear but Seongwoo can’t calm down long enough to tell the other man what’s going on.

 

After what feels like an eternity, he croaks out what he hopes is a coherent sentence, head pounding something terrible. The skin around his eyes feel tight and swollen, his throat is dry, and his entire body feels like one big, aching blob like it always does when he cries too hard, and he’s glad he’s laying down because he doesn’t think he can move for the rest of the night. “Hyung, I came home and he was on my couch.”

 

There’s a silence as Sungwoon tries to figure out who ‘he’ is before the other man answers, his voice taking on a tinny quality that tells Seongwoo he’s talking through the bluetooth speaker of his car, “I’ll be there in twenty minutes.”

 

“Okay,” Seongwoo agrees, closing his eyes so he doesn’t have to look at the pictures on his wall hung just slightly off-centre, “Okay.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 _“Eventually something you love is going to be_  
_taken away._  
_And then you will fall to the floor crying._  
_And then, however much later, it is finally happening to_  
_you:_  
_you’re falling to the floor crying thinking, “I am falling to the floor crying,” but there’s an element of_  
_the ridiculous to it — you knew it would happen_  
_and, even worse, while you’re on the floor crying you look at the place where the wall meets the floor and you realize_  
_you didn’t paint it very well.”_

 

  
_― Richard Siken_

 

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

 

 

The sound of barely muffled sobs filtering through the door to Seongwoo’s room tears at Daniel’s heart with every stuttered breath that he can hear wracking his hyung’s body. There’s a part of him that wants to bolt across the room, rip the door off its hingers so that he can get to his hyung, can wrap him up in his arms and soothe his hurts, drive away everything that made his hyung cry like this.

 

Except he can’t.

 

He can’t because the person who’s making his hyung cry like this was _him_.

 

It’s sheer stubbornness and a helpless hope that Seongwoo will come out and talk to him that keeps Daniel rooted to the seat of the couch. The crying peters out eventually as the minutes tick by but still Seongwoo doesn’t come out and Daniel is too afraid to knock on his bedroom door. The chime of the keylock and whirr of the lock unlocking itself catches Daniel by surprise and he’s halfway onto his feet when Sungwoon hyung strides into the apartment, jerking to a stop when they come face to face in the living room.

 

“Hyung…”

 

“So I was right, it was you,” Sungwoon exhales sharply through his nose as he fights an obvious grimace, “Niel-ah, have you been well? What are you doing here?”

 

Daniel swallowed but couldn’t find an answer though he tried to ignore the first question that sounded as much like concern as it did an accusation; what he was doing, wasn’t it obvious? He wanted to see Seongwoo hyung, to apologize, for things to go back to the way they were before. Sungwoon hyung takes in his silence and sighs, glancing at the closed bedroom door that separated them from Seongwoo, “Niel-ah, I think you should leave.”

 

“Hyung, are you taking sides now?” he croaks out instead.

 

His hyung’s previously serene countenance hardens, “Taking sides? You think that that’s what I’m here for?”

 

“Isn’t it? Hyung, you came here to kick me out, right? You’re here for Seongwoo hyung’s sake, right? I did what I could to protect you all! You know this, we’ve all seen it, the lengths that management will go to in order to win, the bans that they put in place for their own reputation and gains. I didn’t want anyone else drawn into this because of me, I didn’t want anyone caught in the crossfire for my sake.”

 

“Kang Daniel.”

 

Daniel flinches at the rebuke in Sungwoon’s voice wrapped up in his name - it’s a tone he hasn’t heard for a long time and hates having directed at himself. Sungwoon softens minutely but only just before continuing, “Daniel, you had your own reasons for why you did what you did. I won’t claim to say we understood them fully or that I agree with them, but I will respect that you made a decision for what you thought was best. But you don’t get to ignore that your decisions have consequences and that best intentions can and did hurt the people around you.”

 

“I was only trying to protect you guys,” he repeats stubbornly and Sungwoon sighs, hand coming up to clasp his shoulder.

 

“Niel-ah, did you ever ask if we wanted to be protected? Needed to be protected? Do you think that maybe we’d rather have been there for you than have to watch frantically, uninformed and uncertain, as those news reports got wilder and wilder and you were nowhere to be found? We might not have been friends for a very long time and we might only be able to claim to be ex-members now, but Daniel, we promised to stand by each other. And you took that choice away from us; no one likes to be abandoned even if it is with the best intentions.”

 

Daniel swallows several times rapidly, trying to push back tears that threaten to fall with every word that Sungwoon says. He’s heard it all before even though he doesn’t quite want to admit he didn’t make the best decision; Minhyun had lectured him for almost an hour before letting him in through the door. He had thought that Minhyun would have understood his decision the most given the fiasco that went down between Swing and Pledis which to this day still limits Minhyun’s activities with ex-Wanna One members when within the public eye. But the older man had only stared at him with that disappointed look on his face before voicing his thoughts softly. “I would have wanted more than anything to have been able to be there to support my members freely, past or present,” and what could Daniel say in response to that?

 

“Niel-ah, you need to go.”

 

“But I want to, I need to apologize-”

 

“No.”

 

Daniel’s head whips up, shock and disbelief playing across his face in clear symphony - no? Did Sungwoon hyung just say _no_?

 

“Daniel, as much as you want to talk to Seongwoo, right now he’s not ready to listen to you and it’s not fair or right for you to invade his home, _his safe space_ , and try to force him to.”

 

“But-”

 

 

_But if I leave now, will he ever let me come back?_

 

 

_But if I don’t explain myself, how will hyung ever forgive me?_

 

 

“No buts,” Sungwoon rummages through one of the drawers and then pressed a notepad and pen into Daniel’s hands, “If you have anything urgent to say you can write it down. Write down your new number too. When and if Seongwoo is ready to read this, he can reach out to you when he’s ready to talk.”

 

“Hyung……”

 

Every insecurity that Daniel has ever felt flares up with a vengeance. For all that Daniel had made a meteoric rise in popularity in the second half of the survival show they had all bonded through, for all that he was the nation’s centre with a fanbase large enough to give him the strength to break away from his previous management company and try to stand on his own two feet, at heart Daniel cannot forget the years before that came riddled with insecurities. It bled through to all his actions and thoughts - never wanting to be a bother, never quite sure if the people around him would stay, selfish in wanting to keep them close but too afraid to take any decisive steps.

 

And he had screwed things up with Seongwoo now, maybe forever. Ong Seongwoo, someone who had become so dear to him and precious in his heart in such a short period of time, who hurt because of him and didn’t want to see him anymore. _Best friends?_ Forget getting closer, what guarantee did he have for even a casual acquaintance now when forgiveness didn’t seem to be anywhere near the horizon?

 

“Niel-ah,” Sungwoon steps closer to fold Daniel into a hug, what he had read on Daniel’s face he isn’t sure but it’s enough to soften Sungwoon almost entirely, “Seongwoo cares for you a lot, you know that. But he’s not ready to talk right now so you have to give him time, okay?”

 

“But…but…”

 

The fight drains out of him slowly and then all at once. Daniel doesn’t know how exactly he had been walked to the door, how he put his shoes on without falling over in his daze, how he found his way out of Seongwoo’s apartment and back into his own with Sungwoon’s parting statement ringing so loudly in his ears it drowned out every other thought bar one.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

 

_“Kang Daniel, last time you left him on your own terms, this time, you leave on his terms. Go home, Daniel. He’ll call you when he’s ready.”_

 

 

 

**_But what if he never is?_ **

 

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

The door to his room creaks open slowly, left unlocked despite everything, and Sungwoon venture through tentatively, “Seongwoo-ah?”

 

“Hyung,” his voice is a wreck, his eyes are swollen, he feels and looks pathetic but Seongwoo can’t bring himself to care as he reaches one arm out weakly towards his friend, “Hyung.”

 

“Oh Ongie,” Sungwoon’s voice sounds like he’s cooing at him and at any other point Seongwoo might have protested but now he just grabs on tightly to the hem of the older man’s shirt and pulls him closer to the bed with a whine.

 

Sungwoon is quick to comply, sitting down and then scooting closer until Seongwoo is free to bury his face into Sungwoon’s stomach, arms coming around to wrap around his waist with no intentions of letting the other man go even as his hyung starts to pet his hair soothingly.

 

“Are you okay?” Sungwoon asks lowly, every syllable quiet and careful, as if he was certain the slightest thing would shatter Seongwoo all over again.

 

Seongwoo is silent for a moment before he sighs, breath hot again Sungwoon’s stomach even through the layers he has on, arms tightening even further into a vice grip. “Hyung, why do we sing all those love songs?” he says in lieu of a response.

 

“I’m sorry?”

 

“Those love songs they write for us, or that we write for ourselves. Why do we have so many of them? Why is it so much easier to break somebody’s heart and than sing about it, sing about begging for forgiveness, a second chance, than it is to just not hurt them at all?”

 

“Oh darling…that’s not…”

 

“He told me I was his best friend,” Seongwoo chokes out, “ _His best friend._ Hyung, why am I so upset? We, I- there never really were any promises, not really. We’re just friends, _best_ friends, so why-”

 

His voice fails him then and he can do nothing more than cling to his hyung as he trembles with the force of holding back his tears. Sungwoon just sits there and holds him back just as tightly, eventually just giving up any pretence of distance and just laying down, pulling Seongwoo and his huge bundle of blankets into his arms. The older man stays silent, letting his company do the talking.

 

He doesn’t say that sometimes our words don’t say, can’t say, what we want them to mean.

 

He doesn’t say that sometimes there doesn’t need to be words to be promises.

 

He doesn’t say thatSeongwoo wasn’t the only one who had had expectations, that anyone with eyes could tell already that Daniel and Seongwoo had been hovering on the cusp of friendship and something else for months now, both too afraid to take the final plunge.

 

Because Seongwoo already knows, he already knows all of this, just as he already knows that he’ll forgive Daniel eventually because he cares too much to do anything else. And Seongwoo for all his quips and fronts feels more strongly than almost anyone Sungwoon knows, falls deep, falls fast, and is a hopeless romantic, sensitive, almost heart rendingly so. Ong Seongwoo would die for his love and as a spectator it terrifies Sungwoon, frozen along the sidelines, helpless to stop the trainwreck in motion.

 

Seongwoo is in too deep now not to take whatever Daniel was willing to give, and Sungwoon can only hold him and pray that his friend won’t dash himself to pieces in the process, pray that there is a happy ending or at least that his arms are enough to hold the pieces together.

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

_"Sometimes you break the things you love_

_and_

_sometimes_

_the things you love break_

_you."_

 

_\- Robert M. Drake_

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happiness? Who's that, don't know her. 
> 
> On another note, I fumbled around like an idiot trying to update this story but unable to find the button until I realized I wasn't logged into the right account, I'm a mess still, what's new?
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated, or come scream at me on twitter, love ya'll, bye~


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